If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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