i jhust puked up my retainher.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he was CRYING into my vagina
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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