Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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