I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
