I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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