so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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