So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
