she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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