I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
