Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
