and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
