please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
