P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
