Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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