i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
