Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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