Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
