I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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