I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
