so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
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Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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