So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
