You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
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The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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