And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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