chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
