Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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