youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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