She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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