You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
