Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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