Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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