well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Who died my cat blue again?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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