sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
