I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
