I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
