I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
