im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
