Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
