i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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