I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize