I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
