i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
