Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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