i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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