I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
