You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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