so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
