Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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