Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.