The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
