if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
