my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
