You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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