This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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