you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
