when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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