I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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