Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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