I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
