return my video game
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize